Me too, kid....

This little boy has been living his best life the last few days. Wednesday, I had to go back to work but Bee got called off due to weather (can't pour concrete when it's wet and raining). All three of my boys were home all day together. Bee and Zach played x-box all day. Jackson spent the day outside playing on his new swing set and digging. Yesterday was more of the same (but a little less outside time  because it was raining and cold most of the day). He is home from daycare all this week and next so he has been logging in quality time with his big brother.

We end most nights cuddling in mommy and Du's bed watching "Cloudy with a chance of meatballs" or, "Steve" as Jackson calls it. Last night he curled up on Bee's side of the bed and said, "mama? I sleep like Du" and 2 minutes later he was out.

I'll admit, while I miss sharing my bed with only my husband, I know this time is short and I kinda like that he sleeps with us. Just don't tell Bee :D

PS- He has his Mamma's booty! :D 

Christmas "Bestival"

The pictures are in from the Christmas "bestival" !

I am in love with them. I was hoping my whole family would come so that we could get a nice family photo. Being a photographer, I never get a chance to get a NICE photo of all of us.

But, I'll settle for nice pictures of the Beebs and I :)

He was very excited to see pictures from our date. 

And just like that...

Christmas is over. *sigh*

Honestly, it feels great. Usually I am sad when it's over but there are a lot of things to look forward to this year.

January 4th I pay off my big court fine and THAT albatross that's been on my back for the last YEAR will be done. GONE. FINETO! I'll be able to "breathe" for the first time in a year AND possibly have a teeny tiny bit of money left over each pay to, I don't know, catch up on other bills, save for a trip back home to visit, do stuff to my house to make it pretty, possibly sign my kid up to play a sport to teach him coordination and burn off a bit of his excess energy :)

I also got a new boss at work. My old boss was good. Nice, mostly. However, she NEVER gave me anything to do. She would complain how swamped she was and how busy she is but would never give me anything to do. Even when I asked. Even when I begged. I asked other managers at work if THEY needed excess help. I also asked our office manager and nicely in a round-about way indicated my boss refused to give me work. Still nothing. So, I'd come into work and get paid to stare at my phone for 8 hours a day. Until someone complained. Well, everyone did. Right before Thanksgiving I got called into the office managers office due to the complaints. I told her I was very sorry. I like to work. I like to help out but, when you are turned down every day from everyone in the office when you ask for stuff to do, you eventually quit asking and you have to do SOMETHING to fill up the time.... anyway, Both a manager and her assistant put their notice in 2 weeks later. My office manager didn't want a manager who was new, with an assistant that was new and since she knew I was being GREATLY under utilized, she switched me to the new manager and gave the new assistant to my old boss. My new boss is AMAZING, and my new responsibilities keep me SUPER busy at work. Just how I like it! I'm happy because if I am actually WORKING, they can see how good of an employee I really am and hopefully by this time next year, I will be a manager making WAY better money. One can only hope. My Office manager said the difference is NIGHT AND DAY and she is happy she made the switch. It's a good job with a good company and if I put in the time, I can make decent money. At least comparable to what I was making in Ohio. That would be life changing for my family.

Christmas was good. Not the best one ever, but certainly not the worse. It fell on the side of one of the better ones. It's hard because my family (or maybe it's just me...) and I are used to how things were in Ohio. When I left my job, I was bringing home $7,000.00 Christmas bonuses. *I* took care of Christmas. Granted, I knew the money was coming so there were a LOT of bills that got caught up or paid off with that money, but I also took care of buying EVERYONE's presents. My kids didn't get a whole lot of extra through out the year, so I always spoiled them a bit at Christmas. I also bought for my extended family (Dad, sister, brother in law, Brother, nieces and nephews) and Bee's mom and brother's family) I bought all of Christmas dinner, too. You get the idea. This year (and since we have moved out here) Bee has had to pay for Christmas. It had to get cut WAAY back. Again, the kids still get mostly what they ask for so I don't think they really care. However, I do. I shouldn't I guess, but I do. Someday.

Friday, Santa (papa) came to Miss Gwen's (daycare). Santa walked in and Jackson lost his mind. He was soo excited. However, he kept telling all his friends that Santa was his Papa (whoops! Kid is way more attuned than I was) He no doubt believes in Santa....he just knows his Papa is the real Santa and told everyone who would listen as much. Santa read the kids a story and handed out gift bags of crayons and a coloring book. Jackson's favorites!

Saturday before Christmas, we went to a Christmas party of some new friends we have made this football season. Their son is a freshman who got promoted to varsity early on like Zach (sophomore). Some of the older kids didn't like him because he bumped upperclassmen from their starting position but, Zach was always nice to him. When they had team dinners, the older boys always got to eat first and there was hardly any food left for the younger kids but Zach always made sure he grabbed enough for their son, too so if no food was left, Mikey got to eat, too. I LOVE this family. They are so sweet and they love my son. They invite him to work out in their home facility every day after school. They want to take him everywhere Mikey goes so that Zach has the same opportunities to meet the same influential people as their son does. Mom is a lawyer and dad works in I.T. They are in a better position financially than us and I only say that because they know people that Zach would benefit in knowing. The dad also has contacts with college coaches which is nice :) On top of it all and MOST IMPORTANT, they are great people and we LOVE spending time with them. The party was fun, Jackson loved exploring their house and the grounds and the GIANT Christmas Tree. It was a fun night. I also was given something that I love. A really nice picture of my little hive in front the tree! We got two because our friend took our picture early on in the evening and then Cass showed p after she got out of work so, she took another one so she could be in it :) They did a crazy white elephant gift exchange which got crazy for a little bit but, we all walked away with a nice gift and possibly our Christmas card picture for next year :D

Sunday, Bee and the boys and I lounged around all day. It's rare we get a day like that so we took full advantage. Around 5:30 pm Bee and I went to the gas station to get drinks and decided to hit up Goodwill. We LOVE Goodwill :D A month ago, we got a brand new brown leather couch that happened to match the other couch we have AND an almost brand new brown leather recliner for $40.00 total. Ya'll... I have a 4 year old who runs around like a coked up business tycoon and two older kids who could give a rat's ass about how they treat my furniture. I'm NOT buying brand new furniture and spending $5,000.00 for them to destroy it in a month. I'll continue shopping at Goodwill, thank you :D Anyway, this trip we walked away with a whole new wardrobe for Jackson and an almost brand new pair of knee-high boots for me!! I love my boots!

Christmas eve, Jackson and I went over to my dad's at about 1 pm. Bee and Zach were at Home Depot getting materials to build Jackson a playground for Christmas. Ya'll. My Hubby is straight up talented. He makes such beautiful stuff. He made Zach's bed when Zach transitioned from a toddler bed to a "big boy" bed and he also made our current bed frame that we sleep in now. It's a tall canopy style bed. I. LOVE.IT! Anyway, he had no plans drawn up. Just a picture in his head and he knocked it out of the park!

 I kept Jackson at my dad's with me while they were building it. I wrapped all of our presents while Papa kept the little one entertained. Then, we went with him to Church. Jackson wasn't a huge fan of the sitting and being quiet but we managed. Then, we came home and Didi was there! So, my already wound up 4 year old was even MORE wound! Cass is seriously his favorite person ever. They took their annual picture in front of the tree. They have done the same pose since Jackson was just 2 months old. I don't think they will be able to do it next year LOL 

 Then, like pouring gas on an exhausted, excited 4 year old fire, SANTA (Papa) CAME FOR A VISIT! He was so excited. He made us all sit on Santa's lap and tell Santa what we wanted. Then, he told him how we made cookies and he was going to leave him some. At 11:30 pm, we were still going strong. He balled his eyes out when Didi had to leave to go help a friend in an emergency but, I convinced him to cuddle with me in bed and watch "Steve" (Cloudy with a chance of meatballs....his current fave) Within a few minutes, he was out! I put out all the presents and dragged my tired butt to bed....Christmas was was going to come early. 

Christmas Day, *I* woke up first. Then, I dozed a little bit more and finally Jackson stirred around quarter to seven. Honestly, that is the latest we have ever gotten up. He was so sleepy but so excited to hear it was Christmas day. He clapped and yelled, "Santa came! SANTA CAME, MAHM!" We all opened up presents and when he got his Jack in the Box (the thing he has been asking for since October :D ) He was so excited! He knew exactly what to do with it and when it "popped" he belly laughed for a good 5 minutes. After stockings, we told him Santa brought him one more present but, he had to put his shoes and coat on. He walked to the back slider with us and when he saw it, he jumped up and down and yelled, "I HAVE A PLAYGROUND AT MY HOUSE!" He went outside and just stroked the swing and said, "oohh! I wub it! I just wub my swings!" He climbed up the ladder a little ways and then got down. He wanted to play right then and there but, it was still early and even though we live in Arizona, it was 41 degrees so, we told him he could play a little while later after it warmed up.

Papa came over around 9 am and we opened presents with him (He got me a space heater for my desk at work! woot!) and Jackson finally got to go outside and play wearing his new "Mario" hoodie. We asked him if he liked the playground that Santa brought and he said, "Yes but, Santa didn't bring it. My Du MADE it for me!" So, alright kid. Yes, Du and Dak made it for you :D Bee made it in such a way that as we get a little more money, we can add to it! Jackson got ALL of the things he loves. Play dough, Crayons, plain white computer paper, his Jack in the Box, and his swing set. Didi bought him a new Paw Patrol hooded towel for bath time and a Cars 3 play set. I was a little worried because he doesn't play with any of his cars anymore but, sure enough, after bath time last night, he sat quietly and played with the play set! My sister, brother in law, 2 aunts and my cousin came over for dinner around 2 pm. We ate too much, enjoyed each other's company, and did our gift exchange. All in All, it was a wonderful and blessed day with people I love. That right there is the best gift one can get :)

Merry Christmas!

Thank you, Tucson Fire Fighters

So, I've been making a TON of goodies. I have lots in my freezer and one of the reasons why I made so much is that I love to give them away :D Last night, Beebs and I packed up two containers of yummy cookies and treats and took them to our local fire house. 

He was SO EXCITED. He has been all about fire fighters lately (Police, too...but "Marshall" from Paw Patrol is his current favorite) so he couldn't wait. We pulled into the parking lot and he was already YELLING at me to hurry up and stop and let him out of the car. The fire fighters came out to see who we were and when they saw Jackson and the treats they were super excited, too. ALL the guys came out and wanted to give Jackson a FULL TOUR of the fire house. They wanted to show him all about the truck and their equipment and offered to let him up into the truck and turn the lights on and all that jazz. He could've cared less :D He wanted to see the washing machine and their kitchen. He was obsessed with the kitchen :D They finally took him in the kitchen to show him and he jumped up in the chair next to the captain (who was eating his dinner) and said, "wow. I'm getting really hungry. Can I have some of your chips?" :D 

Needless to say, everyone laughed. We left shortly after and came home to make more goodies for my work Christmas party. 

My only regret is that I wish I would have gotten a picture that wasn't so close up so that you can tell he is in a firetruck LOL

Story Time...(LONG)

Sometimes, when you repeatedly warn grown people not to play with fire and they don't listen, there isn't much left to do but wait for them to get burned.

For some, you just have to be there to put back all the pieces, AGAIN, and gently remind them to not be so naive. It's part of growing up. We learn that most people are selfish fucks and that no matter how much YOU want them to NOT be, they just are.

For others, you just shrug and remind them they were warned.

My older kids are technically my step children. I went from being a 28 year old woman who was single with no kids, living my best life with my best friend to insta-mommy. Quite literally over night. I met Bee and he had 3 kids (I only claim two. Long story, different day) but only two lived with him. Cass was 7 and Zach was 5. Their mom had just been sent to prison for theft. It was not her first offense. It was her third. Let me also be clear, she didn't only steal three times. It was just that she was only caught three times.

Let me just add, life has taught me a LOT since I met this little family. At 28, I didn't understand how you could do something ILLEGAL when you had kids for the fear you could lose them would be enough to keep you on the straight and narrow and I was really hoping she would have gotten MORE than 8 years. Life has since taught me that not everything is so black and white. Sometimes our demons get the best of us. Sometimes the line gets crossed when you aren't paying attention and then you don't know how to come back from it. I have a little more understanding and sympathy for it in THAT regard. I'm not a perfect mom. I've made mistakes. However, where we differ is after fucking up over and over until a line was drawn, I made the decision to NEVER cross that line again. I went to therapy to learn WHY and got tools to help me cope and then make sure I never darken the wrong path again. I was extended grace and was going to be DAMN SURE I didn't cross that line again. So, my sympathy ends there and I am completely out of sympathy for their biological mom. She was arrested for stealing when Cassie was almost 1. Then again, when Cassie was 5 and Zach was 2. Then again the time before I met Bee. For 8 years straight, she stole....non stop....from 3 different jobs. She has done "boot camp", she has done therapy, she has done it all..she has learned nothing.

We moved to Arizona 3 months before she got out for prison. It's not why we moved but, it was certainly a cherry on top. We told her she could contact the kids only if the KIDS wanted her to. Zach had long stated that he wanted nothing to do with his mom. Cassie was on board with keeping in touch with her mom. She made sure she gave her mom her cell phone number and that was that. All went well for the first three months. She was still in prison so she could only call every once in awhile.

Then she got out.

This woman BLEW UP my daughter's phone. She called her, easily 25 times a day. She would start at about 4 am our time. She couldn't get the time difference between Ohio and Arizona. So, it's 4 am here and she is  calling and hanging up. Calling and hanging up. By the time Cass would wake up for school at 6 am our time, she would have 7 voice mails, 8 missed calls, and 15 text messages. Each message got more and more upset as to why she was being "ignored". Cassie would try to explain  to her mom that it was 4 a when she started calling. Then, she would call her 20-30 times through out the day and would get worked up as to WHY she couldn't answer the phone and TALK. Cassie would explain that she has school all day, then she has basketball after school, then she works, and the comes home to do homework, usually passing out in the middle of it. Also, she JUST spoke to her and nothing new had changed so what are they supposed to talk about?

Then, she would involve her mother. Cassie's grandmother would start calling, texting, and leaving messages on facebook. Calling her all sorts of names and how AWFUL she was for not talking to her mother and blah blah blah. Then, she started making comments about us. Telling Cassie that we were crappy people and making her feel bad for, I don't know, LOVING us I guess. This went on for 4 weeks. Cassie was losing weight, She wasn't sleeping, she was stressed out. She CRIED all the time and finally decided enough was enough. She told both her mother and her grandmother she needed a break and blocked both of them from texting/calling her AND from social media. These two grown ass women LOST THEIR MINDS. Instead of respecting her wishes and backing off for a little bit, they went FULL TILT. Bee finally stepping in and told them to back off or her was filing harassment charges.

They stopped for a little bit. But then Cassie's mom started friending and un-friending Cassie. Over and over and over again until Cassie finally gave in and friended her. Then, silence. For months. Cassie got a new number and sent a mass text out to her contacts and they each got it (Cassie, says she didn't even think...) and slowly she started talking to her grandmother. Grandma slooowlly guilted her into friending her mom. She did, and everything was fine for a about 6 months. Then, all hell broke lose again. They (grandma and mom) said something about Jackson and why Cassie loved him so much because he wasn't her full brother. BLOCKED again....

This is how life has been for the last 4 years. About a year ago, we found out Mom had been arrested for theft about 26 days after getting out of prison (She plead guilty and they gave her a SUPER plea deal. She stole from her employer. Go figure). This was also about the time I got my Real Estate license. Cassie gave me a shout out on Facebook ("Super proud of my mom!! She got her RE License!") and grandma made a public comment about not knowing her daughter took the RE Test. And since they lied about mom getting arrested years prior and that comment, Cassie cut them both off.

For the next year, anytime anyone mentioned either people in our house or even HINTED at their names, Cassie would have a visceral reaction. Then, around graduation, she changed. All of a sudden, she would bring her mom up, out of the blue, like to the point it STOOD out because we were like, "Where did THAT come from? How did you link the weather and your mom?" just to say something mean about her. It made me think...like...you are trying to hard kid....what are you hiding?

Cassie graduated high school and moved out with "friends". A week after graduation (and her moving out) her and her brother flew home to Ohio to see their aunt (Mom's brother's ex wife) and cousins. We found out the DAY they left that she did NOT move in with friends but with her significant other who we were NOT happy about because this was a super toxic relationship. In fact, we didn't even know they were still talking, let alone, dating..and now living together. When they got back from their trip, Zach told us her and their grandmother talked like best friends (we were under the impression that they had not spoken in almost a year) and grandma was "up to date" on all things Cassie. Then, he said Cassie told grandma she had thanked her mother for the $300 she sent to her. No mail had come to OUR house, so this meant grandma and her mom, both whom she supposedly hasn't talked to in a YEAR, knew WHO she was living with and WHERE (at this point, we didn't even have her address because she dodged the question every time we asked)

In September, Cassie flew back to Ohio for her 18th birthday. She denies it but I am almost positive her mom bankrolled the trip. I got up at the INSANE time of 4 am on a Saturday to drive her to the airport 2 hours away. On the way, her mom called while her phone was connected to blue tooth so, over the speakers it says "Mama calling" and it has a "4-4-0" area code....she declined the call real quick and made some lie up about how it was her friend's mom calling "She still has her Akron number" (Except Akron is 3-3-0 ...) She claimed she didn't see her mom...until her mom messaged Bee on Facebook and "thanked him" for "sharing her with me" this week....then she said she only saw her once but that she got mad and left because her mom said that she might be facing legal trouble again (It wasn't ME. My girlfriend has MY CAR and stole from a store)

Then Christmas.

About 3 weeks ago, Cassie told Zach that their mom wanted to know what he wanted for Christmas. He told her. Then, this past week, she offers to pick Zach up from school and take him out to eat. She tells him IN THE CAR that their mom has flown out and wants to see him to give him his Christmas presents.

Ya'll.....

Anyway, apparently she was here all last week. There was a big fight in our house. We didn't see Cassie all week so, I assumed she spent the week with her mom. Who paid for EVERYTHING, I'm sure. Hotel, tickets, rental car, meals, activities. I'm sure she also bought Cassie whatever she wanted while out here. I know Zach got a $60 game and at least $100 in cash/gift cards. Cassie asked for an Apple watch. I know she got that. Zach went out to eat with them the day of the presents and again on Friday night. His meal alone on Friday was $60 at Red Lobster. I mention the dollar amounts because this woman is the manager of a bowling alley in Ohio. I'm sure she does alright but, she has $165,000 in restitution she has to pay, her rent is $1000 (I looked it up), she has a BRAND NEW car so, I am sure she has a $300 or $400 car payment. Plus, while supposedly her and her girlfriend broke up, that was only a week before she flew out here. Her girlfriend has had a lot of legal trouble this past year and I am SURE she was paying for that too. Where is all this money coming from? I mean, Prison MAY have made her a money saving and budgeting genius but, I highly doubt it...

She was on TV on the local news a couple weeks back. A friend of mine who knows her whole story called and told her boss to run a background check on her if he hasn't already because Lord Jesus, that might be some information you would want to know. Don't know if he did or not....but I'm just waiting for the news that she has been arrested again.

For Cassie, I'll be there picking up the pieces and holding back my "I told you so's" but for her employer, I can only say I hope you have insurance.....

Trying to make memories, damnit

I'm a little stressed out (see below) but, I have kids and even though *I* am not really in the mood to celebrate, I need to make sure my kids can do fun things and at least get some joy out of this season. My big kids...well...they do their own thing. Cass is never around and Zach? Well, he is happy to just play his x-box uninterrupted. However, the little one is all about the Christmas "bings".

 This weekend, my dad came over on Saturday and we spent the day making Christmas cookies. Well, Papa and I did. Beboo split his time getting into things, dumping colored sugar everywhere, waiting for me to be elbow deep in some cook dough and crying for me to "wipe his nose" or "take me to the potty!" and playing outside.

After 5 hours of making Christmas cookies, I took him to "Winter Nights" which is a Christmas festival our local church puts on. They have horse drawn hay rides, S;more making, crafts, family photos, snow ball fights, Bingo, and cookie decorating. It's all FREE too! Jackson was the only one who wanted to go with me, so we dressed up nice and went. He had a BLAST. I got two professional pictures of us, then we did the snowball fight (they actually made it "snow" , too!) we had s'mores, and I bought him a slice of pizza before we played on the playground. It was awesome because there were about 17,000 kids swarming on that playground. Kids that were really too little, and kids that were teenagers. They were ALL acting like feral, coked up, lunatics! Pushing, Shoving, playing rough which, is Jackson's jam. He was So. Happy. I let him play for like, an hour and didn't worry one bit if he was being to rough with kids (my normal fear because he is a bruit) because they ALL were. Then, I bought him popcorn (his favorite) on our way home. He fell asleep 7 minutes after walking in the door.

Sunday, his DU (Bee) bought him "Charlie Brown Christmas", his favorite, and we watched that and made/decorated more cookies to hand out to friends and neighbors.

My back hurts and I am exhausted (see also, STRESS) but it was a good weekend...

Today however...LOL (On top of this morning's adventures, I realized just now, I left my lunch at home....)

Everything is fine. Nothing to see here...just widespread panic

I'm so wound up right now (the 2 32 oz iced coffee's probably haven't helped, either) that I think it would take one of those saffari animal tranqualizer guns to bring my anxiety down to normal.

I have a lot going on, you could say :D

It's a really long story that I DON'T want to get in to but, I have a large court fine due on the 21st of this month. I THINK I will have enough money to cover it. THINK is the key word. However, it has taken me moving lots of stuff around, bailing on fun things I would love to do (including buying Christmas presents...for ANYONE, let alone my family. Thankfully, Bee got the kids stuff) and did I mention MOVING STUFF AROUND?! I've had to talk to my boss about my personal financial commitments this week. I don't even like talking to my husband about finances. Let alone someone I work for.

So there is THAT looming...

Then this morning...gah. If I had a time machine, what I would do with it...

So, I get in the car with the boys. I start it and 2 seconds later, my gas light comes on. This is my life, people. This was no surprise. I drive my car so often with the gas light on that I knew I had at least enough to drop Beboo off and possibly even Zach before I had to stop. I was running late, as usual, so I drove on to the babysitters. Hopped back in the car and headed out to take Zach to school. I get half way to Zach's school (which, by the way, is in the middle of NOWHERE), and I pull over into the lane so that I can pull into the gas station. However, there are a bajillion other cars doing the same thing. I also hate this gas station because it takes 3 years and a day to get OUT of it once you are done. I looked at the time. I looked at my gas gauge. I looked at the line and said, aloud, "fuck it. I'm going to chance it" and moved back over into the lane I was in. There is a gas station on my way to work that is not far from where Zach goes to school and it's way easier to get in and get out of. Figured it would mean the difference of getting to work on time or 5-10 minutes late.

Wrong.

I made it about 2 more miles. I made it about half a mile from the school. I was at least ON the road the school is on. Ran out of gas.

SIGH

I had to call my dad. 38 years old and still have to call my dad to save my ass. Poor Poppy. He had to get dressed. Find his gas can. Stop and put gas in it and come rescue us. He is older, too...so there isn't a whole lot of hustle to his bustle. We sat there for 45 minutes (He lives like 15 minutes from where we were). Now, Zach went from being early to almost late. I got to work 45 minutes late. All because I wanted to save 5-10 minutes off my commute. Poppy also gave me $20.00 to stop and put in the tank (I had $10.00 but he said it wasn't enough and gave me the $20.00). Also, I had to swear the boy to not rat me out to Bee. Bee, God love him, will spend the next 2 weeks lecturing me on not driving with the gas light on...even though, in my entire LIFE, this is the third time I ran out of gas. Bee has ran out of gas 427 times since I have met him (slight exaggeration).

I made it to work around 9am. Frazzled. Jittery. Unable to concentrate.

Oh well, I will be able to concentrate and take a HUGE breath come January 1st..

Until then...I'll be over here rocking back and forth :D

Stuffed

I'm a "stuffer".

I am a "people pleaser"

I loathe confrontation.

I like to be happy. My entire life I have always heard, "Your name is "Joy"! You HAVE to be happy!"  and I genuinely like to BE happy. However, life will suck the soul out of someone like me. Well, anyone really. However, someone like me is more prone to it because we will kill ourselves to keep the status quo. The problem is, I am a human. I have feelings. I have bad days. People piss me off. Most don't mean to but, it happens. Because of the first two lines of this post, I react by biting my tongue. I do this professionally. I do this personally. When my husband or my kids piss me off or hurt my feelings, I don't say a word.

It builds.

The little things pile on day after day. Week after week, and finally, like a pan left on the stove, I boil over. Sometimes it's something small that sets me off. Sometimes, like yesterday, it's kind of a big thing.

I recognize this. I spent the last 9 months in therapy working on this. I am MUCH better than I used to be, but I still deal with it. The problem now really is that my loved ones have been TAUGHT by ME for the last 9 years that they could behave the way they have been and I would take it...or at the very least, maybe they didn't know it bothered me (giving them the HUGE benefit of the doubt right now...and slightly rolling my eyes..) and now, all of a sudden (at least from their point of view) when I push back, it's weird and uncomfortable.

It's something I HAVE to do or I will end up on a path that is NOT good or healthy for me. However, I think I still need to fine tune HOW I go about things. It's not perfect and it's kind of messy but, again, I'm working on it.

Another thing?

When I was 23 and going out with my friends to the bar all the time, I had a nick name. Well, we ALL did...but for the purpose of this post, I will only talk about me ;) My friends called me "Junkyard". Why? Because I am the most loving, sweet, kind, LOYAL person you will meet but when you piss me off, I will go at you like a junkyard dog. I am laser focused and I will keep on, and keep on, and keep on until I am exhausted or you cry in mercy. Bee says it's like kicking a dog. I kick it and kick it until it stops fighting, and then I'll just keep kicking it if you let me.

I know. I'm working on it.

On the flip side, I will get mad and be SUPER MAD and yell, but if you just let me GET IT OUT OF ME, after about an hour, I'm cool. It's forgotten and is not something I will ever bring up again. (Hey, I have good points to me, too :D )

It's all shit I need to work on. I AM working on it. I was seeing a therapist for a little bit to help me kind of get my grip back on myself and work on some broken parts. I am in much better head-space than I was last year at the time. I have learned SO MUCH about myself, and other people and what they do that triggers things in me and how to handle the situations when it happens so I don't become a crazy person. We can't control other people but, we can control how we react to other people. It seems like such an obvious thing but if you stop and think of it, it's a hard concept to understand and put into practice.

The things that set me off yesterday were building for the last 7 months. This last piece that fell into place set me off. There was a big blow up at home. I said things that hurt people in my family that I did not intend to hurt (In fact, the two people I hurt were the ones I was trying to protect and/or advocate for. I AM remorseful that my actions (or words) hurt those people. I truly am. However, in the end WHAT I said I feel needed to be said, if anything, so it didn't eat me from the inside out and I don't regret saying what I said. Again, method of delivery and how I went about it were not my most shining moments.

However, we are family. We love each other. We will all move on and things will go back to normal. If not, well, I know people in therapy for worse :D (That's honestly a joke LOL)

In the meantime, fighting with people I love drains me and I never sleep well. I am exhausted and I think it will be early to bed tonight.

Hey, at least tomorrow is Friday, right? 

You teach people how to treat you...

This holiday season seems to be flying by. The older I get, the less excited and more stressed out I get. I still try to do all the traditions so my kids can have fond memories of Christmas and maybe even carry on some of the traditions. I don't know. The older kids don't seem to care. I honestly don't even know if they would notice if I didn't decorate. Cassie cares less and less for Christmas as time goes on. I don't really know why...I have always busted my butt to make sure the house was festive, we did fun things, and while Christmas is certainly NOT about the gifts, when we were in Ohio (even even our first year out here) I always spent my whole bonus on Christmas. The kids always got MORE than they needed and often way more than they asked for. The older two had a rough early childhood with their bio-mom and while Cassie has re-kindled a relationship with her that I personally wish she hadn't, I know Christmas was a time where it was tough. They couldn't be with their "mom" and they were young, and didn't understand a lot of stuff that was going on. I have a lot of resentment towards their "mom" because she robbed those kids of their innocence. She made them deal with big adult problems when they were so little. She then went on to use the kids to get what she wanted. She cloaked it as "wanting a relationship" with them but it was always something selfish. Wanting to get back at their dad, wanting to GET BACK their dad, wanting to piss off her mom, wanting to hurt Bee. It was never just about the kids or wanting to talk to them or see them....almost 10 years later and it's still that way. She gets back in Cassie's good graces, and strings her along for awhile, and then starts demanding things from her, or becomes so possessive and controlling of her that they end up in a big blow up. Her "mom" gets her grandmother involved and these two grown ass women spend their days making my teenage daughter feel horrible. I end up holding her while she cries and stresses out about it and eventually cuts them off again....4-5 months later, we are back at step one and the cycle starts all over again.

Anyway, family drama can make things like the Holiday's rough...and I get that...but my feelings get hurt because I busted my ass and spent LOTS OF MONEY (yes, I didn't "have to") to do things that took their minds off it. To have fun, make new memories and sometimes I feel like no one cared or noticed. 

Look, I certainly have not been perfect. I have a lot of flaws and the last 3 years have been rough on me and I have not been the most shining example of what to be like....but part of me can't help but think if all the drama, all the bullshit, all the swallowing of MY feelings and the biting of MY tongue for the sake of my family, and putting myself last didn't finally take it's toll on me?

This past year I was forced to take a HARD look at my life. One thing I learned was YOU teach people how to treat you. If someone in your life is treating you a certain way and you don't like it, it's not some inherent flaw in THEM. It's YOU. You teach people how to treat you. If they do something you don't like, you have to TELL THEM. If they still try to treat you in a way you are not down with, you either walk away or you stay. If you stay, then you can't be mad at the other people when they continue to treat you like shit. You have taught them that they CAN and you will stay around for it. Talk about a life lesson.

My husband was treated like shit by his ex. There was a lot of verbal abuse (to him, from her). I can go on and on about what a shitty person SHE is but the reality is, I wasn't there. I only have HIS side. I have lived with this man for 10 years. I know that, just like anyone, he has his moments when you want to strangle him so I am sure it wasn't 100% her being a total dick salad. That's not to say she wasn't a dick salad. I have seen what she has done to this family. Anyway, when I met my husband, he was in a very broken place. So were his kids. My natural instinct is to step in and fix things.

So I did.

I took on EVERYTHING. Right away. I sacrificed my wants, feelings, needs for that of this family. I did everything for everyone. I threw myself headfirst into this situation. I made it mine. I made it part of me. 10 years later, I have a husband, who I love to the moon and back, and 3 kids. Two of which I stepped up and stepped in for at the ripe ages of 5 and 7, and one I birthed. My kids are older (18 and almost 16), my husband is long since recovered from the damage his ex did, and now, I'm ready for him to step up and step in. Instead of piling everything on my shoulders, take some of it back, help me raise our little one as a team. However, the last 10 years, *I* did everything. Therefore, I taught him that behavior and I can't blame him for not reading my mind and stepping in. One would think, common courtesy would dictate that, but it's really even not that simple.

For 10 years, I did all the house work. I took care of the kids's every need. I kept their schedules. He only had to show up where I told him to, go to work, and come home and play xbox. I would work all day and come home and clean up and make dinner and serve it to him. Now that I'm tired, and I have a little one on my leg all the time making it difficult to get anything done, he doesn't stop to think that maybe I would appreciate him cleaning up the kitchen when he gets home and starting dinner because he gets home most days at around 3:30pm and I don't walk in the door until 6pm and then I have 3 sets of eyes looking at me saying, "What's for dinner. We are hungry!"

It ten years of taught behavior. On both sides. It will take some time to teach a new way. In the meantime, I'd be happy if everyone would at least clean up after themselves. I honestly don't mind doing all the "housework" but I am not a maid. I'll handle the sweeping and general cleaning, but do your part. Put YOUR things away. Clear YOUR dishes and put them in the dishwasher. The living room is not your bedroom. You shouldn't have clothes strewn about. That right there would save my sanity and I wouldn't ever have to become crazy stark raving mad mommy. :D

Jogging that memory

So, today I decided to try and make the blog look a little more festive. The older I get, the more simple I become. I liked the plain layout I came up with using blogger's tools but, it IS the holiday season and I wanted something a little more festive. However, since no one really uses Blogger anymore apparently, finding HTML themes proved to be a bit difficult.

OH well, this will suffice for now. We only have about two and a half weeks left of Christmas anyway. I ho-ho-hope you enjoy it. (Ha! I slay me.)

Anyway, moving along..

This past weekend was the annual "Pictures with Santa". A friend of mine has an event every year where you can come and see Santa, get your picture taken, and enjoy some sweet treats. It's free, and always no wait, ever...which, thank you Jesus because the mall Santa has an hour and a half wait, no cell phone pictures, and it's THIRTY AMERICAN DOLLARS for like, a Polaroid. As a photographer myself, I REFUSE to pay some teenager who could barely bother to look up from their phone to snap a picture, let alone make sure my kid is looking at the camera and smiling.

When we moved out here from Ohio, I bought my dad a new Santa suit. He loves playing Santa and with his grand baby moving down the street, I figured I wanted him to be "Santa" for Jackson just as he was "Santa" for my siblings and I and many other kids. Anyway, my dad has played Santa for my friend's event the last two years and I was the photographer. It didn't shake out that way this year, which is fine. I still went and got pictures at her event. Cassie was working so, I only got the boys. Thankfully, Zach who, won't let me even NEAR him with a camera anymore, indulged me for the sake of Jackson and allowed his brother to pull him in for pictures with the big guy. When asked what he wanted for Christmas, Jackson matter-of-factually replied that he wanted a jack in the box, "crams"(crayons), and a snowman. When asked what brother wanted, he replied a jack in the box, crams, and a snowman :D I guess he is really hedging his bets for that jack in the box LOL. I was a little bummed that the picture was with a Santa that wasn't my dad but, he will play Santa at Jackson's in-home day care on the 22nd and, Christmas Eve, Santa always manages to stop by before he starts working for the night for one last "Naughty or Nice" list check. Cassie should be around and I can get a nice picture with all three of my kids and Santa.

Jackson was very excited to see Santa and had NO FEAR. He has never cried with Santa. The very first year when he was about 2 months old, our church had Santa stop by and you could get pictures. Jackson fell asleep and just as we handed him to Santa for his picture, he woke up and fussed for just a second (mainly because he was awoken from his slumber) and they snapped the picture so it looks like he is starting to cry, but he really didn't LOL. 

I can't wait to continue to build memories and traditions with Jackson. He is 4 so now is when things start to get exciting because he actually sorta understands what is going on. This weekend our church is having a big Christmas Festival. Lights, carols, hot cocoa, crafts, Christmas goodies, and they make it SNOW! It will be fun and I can't wait!

Zach, Jackson, and Santa

Jackson and Santa

Jackson and Santa over the years :)

Jackson age 2 months

Jackson age 1 (Santa Papa)

Jackson age 2 (Santa Papa)

Jackson age 3 (Santa Papa)

Cassie, Jackson, and Zach with Santa (papa) in 2017

Welcome to my wild ride

Hello!

I have had a blog on blogger for nine years. Nine.

However, I took a little 5 year break :D

I have forgotten a LOT about blogger since my last post. Also, while it would let me post, it was like the blog was sort of deactivated. I could post, but I couldn't change my theme or layout and that layout from 2013 hurt my eyes. My old, tired, weary eyes. I'm not even sure I remember how to do the basic little HTML that I had managed to figure out the last time around. This right here might be as fancy as it gets. Ha!

Anyway, I've decided I would like to get back into writing the blog. Even if just for me. I blogged a LOT about life with my two kiddos when they were younger and now at 18 and almost 16, it's nice to look back at a little snapshot and blurb of what life was like back then. Since I last blogged, I've had another child. He is four. He is wild and crazy and FUN and exhausting and growing up super fast. I'd like to have a blog that he is a part of so that someday when he is 18, I can look back at that sweet little face at 6 or 7 and relive some old memories :) Obviously, I will blog about life in general and not just my youngest but it's kind of symbolic I suppose that I start a new blog along with a new(ish) chapter of my life.

If, for some cosmic reason, you followed my old blog, WELCOME. If you are new, feel free to stick around. The old blog is still up at https://monkeeandthebee.blogspot.com and you can feel free to go over there and read some of the old stuff. If not, no worries. It's not like a sequel. If you haven't read the first part, you won't be totally lost. I promise.

I look forward to the future entries here. :)

Welcome.

Zach (15), Jackson (4), Cassie (18)

Bee (Mike), and Monkee (Joy)