This holiday season seems to be flying by. The older I get, the less excited and more stressed out I get. I still try to do all the traditions so my kids can have fond memories of Christmas and maybe even carry on some of the traditions. I don't know. The older kids don't seem to care. I honestly don't even know if they would notice if I didn't decorate. Cassie cares less and less for Christmas as time goes on. I don't really know why...I have always busted my butt to make sure the house was festive, we did fun things, and while Christmas is certainly NOT about the gifts, when we were in Ohio (even even our first year out here) I always spent my whole bonus on Christmas. The kids always got MORE than they needed and often way more than they asked for. The older two had a rough early childhood with their bio-mom and while Cassie has re-kindled a relationship with her that I personally wish she hadn't, I know Christmas was a time where it was tough. They couldn't be with their "mom" and they were young, and didn't understand a lot of stuff that was going on. I have a lot of resentment towards their "mom" because she robbed those kids of their innocence. She made them deal with big adult problems when they were so little. She then went on to use the kids to get what she wanted. She cloaked it as "wanting a relationship" with them but it was always something selfish. Wanting to get back at their dad, wanting to GET BACK their dad, wanting to piss off her mom, wanting to hurt Bee. It was never just about the kids or wanting to talk to them or see them....almost 10 years later and it's still that way. She gets back in Cassie's good graces, and strings her along for awhile, and then starts demanding things from her, or becomes so possessive and controlling of her that they end up in a big blow up. Her "mom" gets her grandmother involved and these two grown ass women spend their days making my teenage daughter feel horrible. I end up holding her while she cries and stresses out about it and eventually cuts them off again....4-5 months later, we are back at step one and the cycle starts all over again.
Anyway, family drama can make things like the Holiday's rough...and I get that...but my feelings get hurt because I busted my ass and spent LOTS OF MONEY (yes, I didn't "have to") to do things that took their minds off it. To have fun, make new memories and sometimes I feel like no one cared or noticed.
Look, I certainly have not been perfect. I have a lot of flaws and the last 3 years have been rough on me and I have not been the most shining example of what to be like....but part of me can't help but think if all the drama, all the bullshit, all the swallowing of MY feelings and the biting of MY tongue for the sake of my family, and putting myself last didn't finally take it's toll on me?
This past year I was forced to take a HARD look at my life. One thing I learned was YOU teach people how to treat you. If someone in your life is treating you a certain way and you don't like it, it's not some inherent flaw in THEM. It's YOU. You teach people how to treat you. If they do something you don't like, you have to TELL THEM. If they still try to treat you in a way you are not down with, you either walk away or you stay. If you stay, then you can't be mad at the other people when they continue to treat you like shit. You have taught them that they CAN and you will stay around for it. Talk about a life lesson.
My husband was treated like shit by his ex. There was a lot of verbal abuse (to him, from her). I can go on and on about what a shitty person SHE is but the reality is, I wasn't there. I only have HIS side. I have lived with this man for 10 years. I know that, just like anyone, he has his moments when you want to strangle him so I am sure it wasn't 100% her being a total dick salad. That's not to say she wasn't a dick salad. I have seen what she has done to this family. Anyway, when I met my husband, he was in a very broken place. So were his kids. My natural instinct is to step in and fix things.
So I did.
I took on EVERYTHING. Right away. I sacrificed my wants, feelings, needs for that of this family. I did everything for everyone. I threw myself headfirst into this situation. I made it mine. I made it part of me. 10 years later, I have a husband, who I love to the moon and back, and 3 kids. Two of which I stepped up and stepped in for at the ripe ages of 5 and 7, and one I birthed. My kids are older (18 and almost 16), my husband is long since recovered from the damage his ex did, and now, I'm ready for him to step up and step in. Instead of piling everything on my shoulders, take some of it back, help me raise our little one as a team. However, the last 10 years, *I* did everything. Therefore, I taught him that behavior and I can't blame him for not reading my mind and stepping in. One would think, common courtesy would dictate that, but it's really even not that simple.
For 10 years, I did all the house work. I took care of the kids's every need. I kept their schedules. He only had to show up where I told him to, go to work, and come home and play xbox. I would work all day and come home and clean up and make dinner and serve it to him. Now that I'm tired, and I have a little one on my leg all the time making it difficult to get anything done, he doesn't stop to think that maybe I would appreciate him cleaning up the kitchen when he gets home and starting dinner because he gets home most days at around 3:30pm and I don't walk in the door until 6pm and then I have 3 sets of eyes looking at me saying, "What's for dinner. We are hungry!"
It ten years of taught behavior. On both sides. It will take some time to teach a new way. In the meantime, I'd be happy if everyone would at least clean up after themselves. I honestly don't mind doing all the "housework" but I am not a maid. I'll handle the sweeping and general cleaning, but do your part. Put YOUR things away. Clear YOUR dishes and put them in the dishwasher. The living room is not your bedroom. You shouldn't have clothes strewn about. That right there would save my sanity and I wouldn't ever have to become crazy stark raving mad mommy. :D
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