Stuffed

I'm a "stuffer".

I am a "people pleaser"

I loathe confrontation.

I like to be happy. My entire life I have always heard, "Your name is "Joy"! You HAVE to be happy!"  and I genuinely like to BE happy. However, life will suck the soul out of someone like me. Well, anyone really. However, someone like me is more prone to it because we will kill ourselves to keep the status quo. The problem is, I am a human. I have feelings. I have bad days. People piss me off. Most don't mean to but, it happens. Because of the first two lines of this post, I react by biting my tongue. I do this professionally. I do this personally. When my husband or my kids piss me off or hurt my feelings, I don't say a word.

It builds.

The little things pile on day after day. Week after week, and finally, like a pan left on the stove, I boil over. Sometimes it's something small that sets me off. Sometimes, like yesterday, it's kind of a big thing.

I recognize this. I spent the last 9 months in therapy working on this. I am MUCH better than I used to be, but I still deal with it. The problem now really is that my loved ones have been TAUGHT by ME for the last 9 years that they could behave the way they have been and I would take it...or at the very least, maybe they didn't know it bothered me (giving them the HUGE benefit of the doubt right now...and slightly rolling my eyes..) and now, all of a sudden (at least from their point of view) when I push back, it's weird and uncomfortable.

It's something I HAVE to do or I will end up on a path that is NOT good or healthy for me. However, I think I still need to fine tune HOW I go about things. It's not perfect and it's kind of messy but, again, I'm working on it.

Another thing?

When I was 23 and going out with my friends to the bar all the time, I had a nick name. Well, we ALL did...but for the purpose of this post, I will only talk about me ;) My friends called me "Junkyard". Why? Because I am the most loving, sweet, kind, LOYAL person you will meet but when you piss me off, I will go at you like a junkyard dog. I am laser focused and I will keep on, and keep on, and keep on until I am exhausted or you cry in mercy. Bee says it's like kicking a dog. I kick it and kick it until it stops fighting, and then I'll just keep kicking it if you let me.

I know. I'm working on it.

On the flip side, I will get mad and be SUPER MAD and yell, but if you just let me GET IT OUT OF ME, after about an hour, I'm cool. It's forgotten and is not something I will ever bring up again. (Hey, I have good points to me, too :D )

It's all shit I need to work on. I AM working on it. I was seeing a therapist for a little bit to help me kind of get my grip back on myself and work on some broken parts. I am in much better head-space than I was last year at the time. I have learned SO MUCH about myself, and other people and what they do that triggers things in me and how to handle the situations when it happens so I don't become a crazy person. We can't control other people but, we can control how we react to other people. It seems like such an obvious thing but if you stop and think of it, it's a hard concept to understand and put into practice.

The things that set me off yesterday were building for the last 7 months. This last piece that fell into place set me off. There was a big blow up at home. I said things that hurt people in my family that I did not intend to hurt (In fact, the two people I hurt were the ones I was trying to protect and/or advocate for. I AM remorseful that my actions (or words) hurt those people. I truly am. However, in the end WHAT I said I feel needed to be said, if anything, so it didn't eat me from the inside out and I don't regret saying what I said. Again, method of delivery and how I went about it were not my most shining moments.

However, we are family. We love each other. We will all move on and things will go back to normal. If not, well, I know people in therapy for worse :D (That's honestly a joke LOL)

In the meantime, fighting with people I love drains me and I never sleep well. I am exhausted and I think it will be early to bed tonight.

Hey, at least tomorrow is Friday, right?